It feels like right when i make a decision about something regarding my future something always happens that makes me question whether i should go forth with that decision which i dont know where it can lead me to or how it will turn out or to just let what happens at the moment, keep happening and forget the decision i made in the first place. I am still trying to filter everything that happens to me sometimes i dont even know where to begin.

Yes

(Source: ohmothernature, via ageofastrology)

I was analyzing my lifestyle and it is time for another step to take. I will be turning 18 in less than two weeks and i will finally be treated as an adult to the world, not to the people who know me personally because my mind has been in its adulthood for a while now. My mom is going to support me on my decisions so im taking off, on my own. It is my time to live up to my purpose. i was feeling discouraged because of my whole father situation but the solution to it will be revealed in spirit when the time is right. Until then i will continue to live with inner peace and happiness because there are countless amount of things to be happy about. If you cant be happy through your obstacles then you will never be happy since your obstacles are your life. There’s still so much more to learn and experience. Everything makes sense at its right time.

Writing is my medicine, my cure. I would go insane if i didnt write everything my mind and heart needs to express. I find myself writing at this very moment with a sad feeling. I have been doing amazing for a long time everything was making sense but of course nothing is perfect. I haven’t spoken to my father since around the end of january i believe. As much as i try to convince myself that he is out of my life, he is not. I told myself i disowned him as my father and just thought of him as another human being. I am the type of person to act like i have no emotions over anything or anyone when in reality i am very emotional. Overtime i have learned to keep it to myself because i have been taken advantage because of it. My father lives in his own world, all his life he has dedicated it to women, alcohol and music. He is now about 40 years old and his life is all over the place, he is a little kid trapped in a mans body. I have tried to have a relationship with him but he always messes up and ends
up hurting me and my family. So overtime i decided to love him from far away, to let him go and let go of the idea that one day he would be a different mature and put together father. A couple of days ago he called my mother and told her he was given 6 months left to live. He said he is very sick and my sisters and i dont love him or care about him. When he called her that night he was very drunk so the next day he apologized and said he just didnt want his daughters to be mad at him anymore. Now i play it cool in front of everyone but i love my father. Yes he has destroyed the family he once said he will always love and he has done a lot of messed up shit but my heart cant help but love him through it all. Im stuck in a situation of whether let him back in my life with high chances of him hurting me because he truly could be dying or just remain distant from him and if he dies live with that for the rest of my life. I dont want my father to die, i love him so much and im scared. I dont care if he has hurt me and left me in the cold for many years. I dont care if he is selfish and never worries about me and my sisters. I have forgiven my father for everything and i hold nothing against him, i have no right to because i am no one to judge. I dont care what type of person he is, i just dont want him to die. I dont know how to phase this situation. All i ever wanted was to have him around, for him to be there. I understand it wasnt possible and he let the world take over him but that never took my love for him away. I know nobody cares or will read this, i just need to get this out of my system into writing because that is what i do. I am human, i dont like to admit it. I have feelings, i dont like to admit it. I am afraid, i dont like to admit it. I miss and love my father, i dont like to admit it. I have no more to say.

i tell myself there is no way this is real and then i look at you and i cant help but believe. If the planet is nothing but evilness then this is just a nightmare, a beautiful one that is. Smile one more time for me and i fall into glory. You seem so far away but my heart travels at light-speed, it leaves my soul, it searches for your soul. My heart keeps asking where you are, it beats for you, i breathe because of you. My heart has been mistreated before and it has been afraid, oh so afraid to love again. When it found you, my heart wanted to try again, it spoke to me again when it had been in silence for so long. It saw something in you, something it hadn’t seen in so long. My mind told my heart to hush and keep silence, let it do its job. But my heart kept beating faster and faster until it silenced my wise mind. My mind keeps fighting to be heard, my heart doesn’t want be silent anymore, it wants to love you more than it loved before. It wants to make my body feel like it can fly, no weight, no worries, no time, no space, no distance. It wants to make me feel a rush, an adrenaline, i can do anything at any time. My mind is afraid of the ideas of my heart, my mind is afraid to let my heart win because my mind knows that once the feeling passes and my heart is broken, my mind will have to put the pieces of my heart back together, one by one. That is why my mind is scared to love you but my heart won’t stop.