i never give enough credit to Elohim. the reason for everything is him. it is an eternal gratefulness, for he chose me as his child and saved me for eternity. his love is what keeps me alive and what lets me love in a kind and pure way. nothing really matters because it will all pass but even when my body becomes ashes, my spirit will live forever with Elohim. my father, my homie, my eveything.
“it will get healthier, don’t worry”
“my heart? it never does”
“no…your hair” my hairdresser replied awkwardly.
The lake, i will not forget that lake. How i would stand in front of it, waiting for an answer, waiting for the universe to take me into its arms and whisper in my ear that my broken heart was only a state of mind. And i would wait for your call, for a reason of why you had left me so alone. The lake knows the sound of my tears, the lake remembers my lamentations. The lake knows my weakness, the way no one will ever know. Eventually i stopped going, i grew distant from the lake as i grew strong inside my heart. I was restored and did not live in that state of mind anymore. And i grew some wings and learned to fly; the sky took me in and welcomed me as i said goodbye to that lovely and lonely lake of mine.
Well here i am once again, writing to the beautiful beloved space, wondering if the other dimensions understand because this dimension never sees beneath my face. analyzing my life from a million different perspectives but attempting to not to be gone astray. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m loving, I’m hurting. everyday I’m learning to embrace my spirit in its purest forms. i am understanding that not everything i want will be done, certain people that i want in my life need to go and that i need to accept new things that will lead me the right way. I’m breathing, understanding my mistakes as lessons learned. striving for perfection sometimes leaves me feeling cold, i need to contemplate the feeling of imperfections without taking my mind of achieving perfection. i know i am a “hard to comprehend human” but if you understand that i am not a human then you have understood half of who i am, the other half is still trying to be understood by my own self. i know who i am but i am still trying to analyze everything inside of me. when you read a book, you don’t know the whole story until you finish it. i haven’t finished reading my book therefore i don’t know my whole story, neither do you. i might not be everything you were hoping i would be but i know the universe resides inside of me, maybe you can find a little piece of what you need, i might not please your whole spirit but i will make your time worth while by showing you some inner peace. look me in my eyes, i am not who i was before. in constant change i find myself, to find what i have been looking for. sometimes we look and we do not find because we only viewed from the outside. i see the soul of the lonely hearts, i feel the expression you hold back. i know you dream in color but you live in black and white. maybe we can sew the pieces of our hearts back together one by one. maybe you can lend me your sunglasses and i can see the shade you view your life in, maybe i can lend you my heart and show you love resides inside of me. maybe you can see i am more than what i seem to be. maybe you can let me understand the truth between the lines of the paragraphs you wrote inside your mind. cure my heart, i’ll cure your mind. one day you’ll find yourself living with a purpose, one day i’ll find my self loving with a purpose. one day we’ll live and love with our spirits, in purpose, in peace, just you and me.
i tell myself there is no way this is real and then i look at you and i cant help but believe. If the planet is nothing but evilness then this is just a nightmare, a beautiful one that is. Smile one more time for me and i fall into glory. You seem so far away but my heart travels at light-speed, it leaves my soul, it searches for your soul. My heart keeps asking where you are, it beats for you, i breathe because of you. My heart has been mistreated before and it has been afraid, oh so afraid to love again. When it found you, my heart wanted to try again, it spoke to me again when it had been in silence for so long. It saw something in you, something it hadn’t seen in so long. My mind told my heart to hush and keep silence, let it do its job. But my heart kept beating faster and faster until it silenced my wise mind. My mind keeps fighting to be heard, my heart doesn’t want be silent anymore, it wants to love you more than it loved before. It wants to make my body feel like it can fly, no weight, no worries, no time, no space, no distance. It wants to make me feel a rush, an adrenaline, i can do anything at any time. My mind is afraid of the ideas of my heart, my mind is afraid to let my heart win because my mind knows that once the feeling passes and my heart is broken, my mind will have to put the pieces of my heart back together, one by one. That is why my mind is scared to love you but my heart won’t stop.
And even if i were to die tonight, bury my body dont bury my heart. Take it with you to a land far apart, save it forever and don’t cry a goodbye. Always remember you have my whole life, in that tiny little heart. Use it for heartaches, use it for wounds. take advantage of the insanity rules, make them believe you dont know who you are. but always remember you have my heart.
He was the stars colliding and aligning making the sky brighten, illuminating and fulfilling my soul and my mind.
Loving him was like running to the peak of a mountain and holding yourself from falling into the abyss
Your body becomes weak as you are forcing it to stay put and you know that if you let it go, your body will fall and feel free
But when it hits the ground, that will be the end of me. So I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself fall into the abyss,
I had to hold on all the weight with all the energy. One more time, to see your smile, to feel your heart, to absorb your deceiving words.
Words that will fill my heart with precious space, space that will soon turn into venom
Venom flowing through my veins. Soon taking all over my body, my inside dying and my outside crying
You were nowhere to be found, I tried to call your name but you couldn’t hear me out
You were gone
The stars would no longer collide; my soul would no longer shine.
But I will no longer be filled with venom.
Reincarnated into a new form and shape. Shinning brighter than ever.
It all slowly started to make more sense
The world I view with you started to fade as I built new memories while I let your memory fade.
But sometimes late at night when my eyes are closed and I’m zoning out into another world
I can still hear your voice telling me those lies that would satisfy my thirst for the pain I felt inside.