i love it when you are happy but it never lasts too long. it’s 6am and i woke up to write this. who does such a thing. i never knew i always lived in another world until i realized i was never a part of this one. i guess you could say i am not “fun” whatever that means. but i really really really like who i am and yes it is a bit on the strange side but it’s good for me. to be me. it has helped me heal internally. and that to me is so important. everyday i grow a little more and i have more questions. but everything is good. the homie is in control and it works out it the most simple yet beautiful way. healing sounds so calming and genuine because i can actually feel it. and i am in love with all of me and everything and everyone around me. unconditional love created by god transmitted through me. you don’t know how good it feels to be truly alive. the door is open, come in.

the sun is always shinning somewhere, be patient for there will come a time when the sun will shine on you.

i cant believe today i thought i accidentally deleted all of my photos on my phone. I wanted to cry, when i saw they were all backed up i was so happy i didnt know what to do with myself. this is not a pointless story. one thing i learned, my love for photographs, i have over 3,000 photos i keep trying to get rid of the ones “i dont like” but i love everyone of them. second thing i realized, i didnt know how it felt like to have something so meaningful and crucial to your life disappear in an instant. i have felt people come and go, i knew they wouldnt stick around forever, they cant understand me anyway. but today i felt it, photography loves me and i love photography, we are one. i’ve never felt that before, no one has ever been in me as much as i have tried to be in them. the feeling when you cant sleep at night because you’re trying to figure out new ways to love someone who never loved you. i dont know about much but i know i love the nature of every photograph i take. what is inside of me, i find it somewhere in the universe so i capture it to keep a collection of my understating of me. i write a lot, i know so little. i love humanity yet i dont consider myself a human. what an illusion we live in.

afraid of loving, what am i here for? a passionate being sent here to give all that it can give. I have realized that it isn’t love i fear, i happen to be capable of loving to an extent in which your arms aren’t enough to hold on to all the love that i will give. I can develop a love so strong, you will never have to question about tomorrow. I can love to the deepest depths like an ocean whose certain depths haven’t been discovered yet. I am capable of the natural love of a being who is born to give you all and ask for none. But revealing it, showing you this love, it almost feels like a part of me will expose, the most secretive part of my inner being, that is. I am still trying to understand this side of me. The side that can love with everything it was given but will never let it be known. Fear, Confusion, Commitment, i am not sure of what it is. I say i am too focused on my priorities to be loving a being like this. But i am loving anyway because this love resides inside of me. It is the universe colliding all at once. the moment we connected for the very first time, everything aligned for us to meet and realize, this is how far we have to come to live this dream. The love is already here, believe me. My deepest darkest secret is the sun hiding in the dark and solid clouds. And to hold this secret in, might be the death of me. So what am i really afraid of? if fear is just another word written by a lover on another piece of poetry.

My sister and mom keep telling i should start publishing my writing, honestly im very self-conscious about my writing and i feel like i have a lot of improvement still left to make. Im slowly working on it, some time ago i wouldn’t even want to share my writing and now that i freed my self from that i am going to work on perfecting it and then eventually it will be out there for all the maniacs who understand the mystery of the words in spirit. Im very happy with this transition in my life, i have loved writing since i was in elementary school. My 5th grade teacher told me to send her the first copy of my book when i publish it, that’s how much i have always been into the beauty of words and their meaning put together in one story line. So for now i will continue on writing and expressing my inner being. I am also learning to love everything that occurs in my life whether it cause certain pain at the moment or happiness because it always inspires me to put it in writing so anything i live will always be positive in the end. So yes i am an author to be, aside from my passion for photography of course. God has given me amazing talents, i am so blessed. Thank you homie. Peace and love everyone, great vibes.

It feels like right when i make a decision about something regarding my future something always happens that makes me question whether i should go forth with that decision which i dont know where it can lead me to or how it will turn out or to just let what happens at the moment, keep happening and forget the decision i made in the first place. I am still trying to filter everything that happens to me sometimes i dont even know where to begin.

I was analyzing my lifestyle and it is time for another step to take. I will be turning 18 in less than two weeks and i will finally be treated as an adult to the world, not to the people who know me personally because my mind has been in its adulthood for a while now. My mom is going to support me on my decisions so im taking off, on my own. It is my time to live up to my purpose. i was feeling discouraged because of my whole father situation but the solution to it will be revealed in spirit when the time is right. Until then i will continue to live with inner peace and happiness because there are countless amount of things to be happy about. If you cant be happy through your obstacles then you will never be happy since your obstacles are your life. There’s still so much more to learn and experience. Everything makes sense at its right time.

To everyone who…

some will probably say she’s beautiful, some will say she has nice boobs and ass. jerks. when you start a conversation with me you will say okay well she’s not just a dumb girl with a pretty face and nice body. i will be straight up with you and ask the same in return. i will tell you nothing you do will bother me simply because i won’t take you seriously since i have no interest in having a serious lover. you will probably think i will change my mind overtime because you probably think highly of yourself or because all the girls fall for your bullshit OR because you feel like you have something to offer that will change my mindset towards everything. but i will tell you right now that even though you feel like you have potential to have power over my decisions or my mentality you are completely wrong, no one has control over me. i decide when and how i want something, why i want it and why i don’t. you won’t change my mind so overtime you will keep trying to do so, some will last from a week to two weeks. some will probably say well she’s a cool friend but deep inside of you the attraction will eat you inside and i will pay you no mind so you will dismiss yourself just like everyone else. others will stay, for what reason i honestly don’t know. that is always a mystery. NO, i do not consider myself the most amazing human being on earth. in fact, i know my flaws pretty well, i over analyze everything, starting from me. so yes i know why i act the way i do and how people will react to it, yet i continue to do it because i am yoselyn. you will have the freedom to walk out of my life whenever you please, i won’t hold you back or ask you to stay. to be completely honest, my plan from the beginning is for you to walk out at a certain point, so I’m always ready. some will continue to stay because they probably still have some kind of hope i will change my mind and tell them I’m ready to give in. which will never happen, until i say so and i haven’t said so nor will i say so until something inside of me urges me to do so. no i am not cold-hearted, i don’t force anyone to try to put up with me, ever. most of the time i don’t understand why guys choose to deal with all the things i do and how i act. i know what I’m doing, i know it will bother you, i don’t care if it does. i probably sound like the biggest asshole but i am not, before any of this occurs, probably in our first conversation i will tell you that i will not take you seriously and that it will never change. i am very blunt and I’m not just saying that to say it. yes, sometimes it comes off very bitchy, i am working on it. i am human, i am very smart and aware of many things that people don’t even acknowledge. my point is not to hurt anyone or waste anyones time at all. that is why i tell you what you should know about me from the very beginning. and that is the biggest test from me to you, so far no one has listened to my words from the very beginning. what i am trying to say is i have warned every guy he will be wasting his time if he wants anything serious with me yet it feels like we never had that conversation because he will continue to try. i’ve never met a guy that has actually listened to me and stopped talking to me because he understood me and payed attention, he didn’t try to see if he could change my mindset, he didn’t have game planned out in which he felt he will win me over, he wasn’t so full of himself to believe he will be the difference. he simply listened and left me alone. that will be the day i will take my time to contact this guy, that will be the day i will want to be with that guy because i knew he is listening and acknowledges my opinions, beliefs and respects my self being. i don’t like people to force things or people who think they can manipulate me into doing things whether they are good or bad. i am me, i don’t follow anyone suggestions unless i am completely sure that person is wise enough to give me advice that it will be beneficial to my spirit and mind. people don’t influence my decisions. maybe you think i am asking for too much but i know that the person who understand everything i am writing won’t find this to harsh or impossible. he will probably feel the same way. who knows. i don’t need games, yes i am only 17 (about to be 18 in two weeks) but no don’t like people who lie and play games nor do i want to spend my time with someone who will pretend to seduce me for their own satisfaction and end up deceiving me and kicking me to the curve to my own misery. nobody wants that but many are willing to live it because the adrenaline of the feeling makes them come back for more. i am not willing to relive that ever again. i always say making a mistake once should be enough for you to learn and never make the same mistake again. i am young according to the world because humans invented time, in actuality time does not exist neither does age. my mind is mature enough to reject any kind of mindful and deceiving games. you want something other than sexual activities with me, you tell me right away. you want only sexual activities with me, you tell me right away and i will tell you right away to get the fuck out of my face. you want me for my beauty, goodbye. you want to take the time to have wise and meaningful conversations with me without focusing on my outside and yes acknowledging the fact that i am attractive but not letting that be the reason why you see a potential in me for a future partner, you are welcome anytime. i am not asking for too much, i am not asking for perfection, i am not asking for looks, i am not asking for anything but honesty in your intentions with me. i will not waste your time. you sure as hell won’t waste mine. do you understand me now? i doubt it. only the blind in superficial understand truth. 

I remember getting a text message from my father in which he told me “i understand if you haven’t been answering my calls and texts but i want to know if you’re already over it and can hang out this sunday! even though you dont think i love you, i do my little girl. Dont be mad at me anymore” Honestly, all i could think of was what the actual fuck? How do you come in my life fuck everything up and walk out and then text me a couple of weeks later asking if “im over it”. I remember sitting there, trying to understand this man and stopping my self from throwing my phone across the room. How can people go around and mess with others emotions and feelings and then expect them to get over it and continue to be the same. Of course i did get over it but i didnt do it for him, i did it because i knew that if i didnt forgive and forget i will live in hell and burn alive for the rest of my life, i did it because i understood my father is an ignorant man and most importantly i did it because god forgives me all the time so i have no right to hold anything against anyone. But i never did anything for my father, what i dont understand is why people like him think they deserve anything. Its like they’re blinded by their own hell that they dont see the damage they cause in everyone else and the worst part is they expect you to remain the same so you can go back to them and they can hurt you some more. And i dont understand how people say they love you even if it doesnt seem like it. How can you love someone and never show it, hypocrite. Liars are full of contradictions and they end up believing their own bullshit. There is no excuse for people who pretend to love someone when they never show it. My words in writing are exactly how i view things, completely uncovered for the eye of the spirits to understand.

maniac thoughts have a good side and a very bad side. they make me realize of all the things i don’t think about during the day but thats when i start analyzing things in my life that i shouldn’t be analyzing. i start thinking too much and i feel like there is no escape. i am free from the world but i am not free from my maniac thoughts. the good side of it is that that’s what makes me who i am and what i am. I feel like i haven’t been writing like i used to, a lot of events have been taking place in my life at the moment and its hard to grasp. Now that I’m analyzing everything, there is so much change that still needs to take place in my life. I am going crazy, at least it feels like it. I don’t mind though. Im trying to give my life away to people who need to live. I only understand myself right now. I am very content with my life. I need to go to sleep. I need to stop being so stubborn. I need to believe in things i know aren’t real. I need to realize when things a real and believe them. I need someone to tell me if i know what i am talking about. No one knows what I’m talking about. My sister needs to stop telling me about this guy who doesn’t care about her before i find him and hurt him. i need to stop trying to be the superwoman of all of the people i love lives. I just remembered i used to listen to chris brown when he was the sweetheart. I need to stop thinking everyone’s going to hurt me even though i know unintentionally we all hurt each other when we least expect it. i have very high expectations on everything and everyone only because i give my all for everything and everyone i care about. i know i shouldn’t have expectations so i just don’t believe in people and their words. i am right and i am wrong. You’re confused but i am not. I am going to awkwardly sit at my sister’s grad. i am not gonna go to my graduation because i don’t believe in that. i can’t believe i am finished with high school, I’m so glad. Young girls need to stop getting pregnant, boys need to stop being so irresponsible. i always go off topic, i don’t have a point in writing this. actually it has a meaning you just can’t see it yet. my head hurts, I’m pretty sure i have a fever. i think I’m sick. i know I’m sick. why am i still sitting here when i have to work tomorrow. i should’ve called Kiara earlier to check up on her, i will text her tomorrow. its 11:11 but i don’t believe in wishes. i know people think I’m a non believer but i believe in everything in reality, they just don’t know about me. panera was good this morning. i am going to have breakfast at that place where they have bagels tomorrow. i need to go to sleep. nobody cares, nobody cares. i have to go back and read this to make sure i spelled everything right. maybe i’ll just leave it like this. i miss the friendship i had with mimi. i know people change. i am glad i changed, i hope i keep changing. this song is stuck in my head and it really shouldn’t be. These are some of the things that are going through my head right at the moment. 

And even if i were to die tonight, bury my body dont bury my heart. Take it with you to a land far apart, save it forever and don’t cry a goodbye. Always remember you have my whole life, in that tiny little heart. Use it for heartaches, use it for wounds. take advantage of the insanity rules, make them believe you dont know who you are. but always remember you have my heart.

I havent spoken to my father in over four months now. Four months ago we were trying to work out a father to daughter relationship, everything seemed okay on the surface. The ironic thing was every time we’d meet up i had to give my father advice about his life, i would never ask him for advice because of many reasons, i don’t like sharing my personal life with him, he doesn’t know how to give advice, he doesn’t have his life together so how is he going to help me with anything. But anyway we would try to make the best of our time together and just forget about the bitter past. I have to admit at that moment in time i still held a lot of grudges towards my father, its been a long journey of sorrow and pain caused by his actions. I was in the process of letting go of every memory that wouldn’t let me live in peace. Four months ago, my father made the biggest mistake out of all the mistakes he has made during his entire life, i won’t describe in detail but it cause so much chaos to the point in which i stopped all connections with him. In my own words “I disowed him as my father” What happened to me that day was simply describing a wound that is healing and then you hurt yourself in the same place once again and the wound opens up and it has to heal all over again, sometimes it’s worse that it was before. That is exactly what happened to me. I know i always make my stories longer than they should be but i don’t know how to leave all the details out because to me every detail is very crucial to the story. The point of my story isn’t about me not talking to my father again, it’s about my little sister. I am grown enough to realize that my father’s actions shouldn’t affect my life anymore, i can control that. In the past four months i have been healing that wound once again but this time for good and i’ve come to the conclusion that i am completely healed from that. I don’t hold any grudge or hard feelings against my father, simply because if i do that it would only affect me so i learnt to let go. So now the most important part of this story comes in. My little sister doesn’t know that my father doesn’t care about anyone but himself so she continues to love him with her broken heart. It hurts me to see her crying everyday for a person who never even thinks about her. She hadn’t seen him in the past four months either and even though she cried everyday she had finally been getting past that and learning to live without the idea of our father, until yesterday. Two weeks ago my father called my mother to speak to my little sister, he promised my little sister he would go pick her up on a monday and they would go out. It hurts me to say my little sister’s eyes were filled with joy, she was eager for monday because she had missed her father. Knowing my father, i know he never keeps his promises so i knew he wouldn’t even show up but my little sister is so loving and naive she can’t help but forgive and forget everything he has done to her. Monday came and she got home from school, i got home around the evening and i saw her looking out the window. I had forgotten he was supposed to come see her that day so i asked her what was she doing standing by the window, she looked at me with watery eyes filled with sadness and disappointment and told me that she thought it was a pretty day outside so she was admiring the lake in front of our house. I went into my room and that’s when i remembered he was supposed to come today, i felt anger towards this man i have to claim as a father. After waiting the entire evening by the window, the moon finally came up and she kept staring outside, my mother walked up to her and said “he is not going to come Kimberly, stop waiting for him, he is not going to come.” She turned around holding back her tears and said, “My father doesn’t love me, he never keeps his promises and i won’t ever believe him again.” After that week passed by, he called again. He told my mother he would really pick her up this time. My mother didn’t tell my little sister anything so she wouldn’t be disappointed if he didn’t show. Yesterday he finally showed up, i wasn’t home but when i came home at night my little sister was already home asleep. She left me note on my door saying goodnight and writing an inside joke like she always does. Today when she came home from school i asked her how did it go last night and she was telling me he bought her some clothes and shoes then took her to the movies. He didn’t ask her once how she had been doing, how she was doing in school, if she had food on the table for the past four months, if she needed money for her field trips at school, if she had passed her state exams, if she was going to pass this year in school, if she was happy or sad. He didn’t ask her anything about herself, all he said was “I know you’re smart so i don’t need to ask you anything.” What the fuck is he? It makes me furious to know that this man thinks taking his daughter out once a damn year and buying her a couple of clothes and taking her to see a damn movie and then making a billion promises about the material shit he’s going to give her then dropping her off at home and forgetting about her for the rest of the year gives him the right to call himself her father. Bullshit. I don’t understand how anyone in their right mind would have the guts to do that kind of shit. Like who the fuck are you to come into a persons life once a blue moon and lie to them, saying you love them when you don’t even care if they ate in the past year or if they’re are failing in school or if they’re being bullied or if they cry everyday and wake up crying because their heart is broken and is all thanks to you. i don’t understand and i never will because my sister isn’t the first or the last person that this is happening to. So many people out there, whether they are a parent or friend or husband or wife or brother or friend, whatever they are, have the motherfucking balls to look someone in their eyes and lie to them saying they love them and they care. My sister of course has everything she needs and she is an amazing bright little girl. She’s a great student and she gets to go on every single field trip, when someone bullies her at school you best believe me, my older sister, my mother or the three of us together are confronting the school. My point is, we are there for my baby girl but other people have no one to be there for them so i don’t understand why people hurt them intentionally. If you can’t love someone the way you say you do just don’t lie to them, its the least you can do. Especially if you are a parent who thinks buying a things for you kid would cover up the love you are supposed to offer them, material things will fade away, they leave you with more emptiness than you had before. After all this writing, i just needed to express what i was feeling towards this situation, i lived it already but seeing a person i love with my life live it, hurts me twice as much. I hold no grudges against my father but it hurts me that he is so selfish he can’t see the pain he causes the people around him. People in general are always so caught up in making themselves happy that they end up destroying the people that truly love them. I guess that’s just how life works but sometimes you have to think that filling your self with all the happiness not thinking of others feels great but is temporary, when it fades away you will feel completely alone and the scariest part of it all is that in reality you will be completely alone because you pushed everyone away with your selfishness and no one will be there to save you. 

Falling to the ground and no one’s there to hold you. Feeling like your life is one big misfortune. But its not and you dont have to feel that way, you dont have to be broken every single day. I am your friend for this lifetime. I’ve been assigned to stand by you through fire and rain. I wont leave your side, i never will go away. I’ll stand by you even if im standing alone. You are the person who has cheered me on when the whole world try to tear me apart. I could never imagine my life without you, you are my sunshine when the world has darken my soul. Dont worry my dearest friend for i will never forsake you. You have the soul and heart of an angel. I know you cant see it right now but you have so much potential. Our friendship is truth. The distance and time will never break my promises and love i have for you. Until the day that i die i will always be your best friend. I’ll never give up on you.

Every day that goes by i get more paranoid about my life. Im just trying to figure out where i need to be. The homie knows but i haven’t spoken to him. I have some much shit running through my mind, my thoughts of maniac have altered my brain. I just feel like i need to close my eyes and let this confusion consume itself inside. My mother tells me not to worry but i worry about my life. A failure i don’t want to be, i have been trying to stay away from my father footsteps. I dont want to be forgotten but i dont want to be remembered as a stranger form of human being, haunted by the sick world that took over my soul. I know i have a plan and purpose and all i need to figure out is how to master my maniac mind from being took over by the world. I keep repeating to myself where do i have to be? where do i have to be? I don’t think it matters where, i shouldn’t even be afraid. Forgive me lord even though you’ve already forgotten it. You are the only one who never sees me sin.

Today i feel like packing up for a trip to the beach. A family get together. We would pack a bunch of food and beer. Bring the cooler. Call up all the family on a hot summer day. I’d be awfully excited, charging my camera and phone to give them enough life for the long trip. See all my family, some i hadent seen in a long time. It would be nice to feel a part of something, my crazy ass family. Back when my grandparents werent together anymore yet my pimp grandfather would be kissing up on my grandmother. Back when my uncle had turned into a dominicano ever since he married that dominican woman. Back when my aunt would always be rushing everyone, bringing along her baby father who she would use as a chauffeur and her red haired daughter could barely say orange juice in spanish. Back when my mother and father got along for a couple of hours. Back when i thought everything was easy. Everyone usually met up at our house in Long Island. We’d make this great act of how happy our family was, even though everyone new our tears were being held back and our faces had masks on. we would start heading to Jones Beach. on the road my father would play his newest album of bachata and salsa. Showing off how professional and good it was for the billionth time. I would put my head phones in and fade away into the zone. Everything was smooth on our way to the beach. When we would finally get there we would go as far off we could into the ocean. My dad would carry me and my sister inside through the strong waves and cold salty water. We would be laughing and we actually meant it..for a little while. Afterwards everyone would sit on the hot sand and relax. Eventually my father would be drunk and my mother would start an argument with him so he would stop. but nothing could ever stop this man, nothing ever did. Everyone would start to feel uncomfortable and my uncle would say its time to get back. I dreaded getting in the car, wondering if i would make it back alive, trying not to shed tears. Heading back home i would act like i was asleep as my parents fought about everything my father had done. Details i would like not to give, they are memories i rather not write down. Luckily we would finally make it back home, at that point i was so tired it didn’t really matter that my father was a piece of shit. I was just glad my mother and sisters were alive. I would go to my room and lay on my bed because i knew that sleeping was forgetting why i couldn’t find a reason to live.