Why do I believe there is an absolute omniscient omnipotent god?
I think about the times in my life when I struggled and thought I could no longer go on, there was nothing left for me. I think about how broken I used to be and how much pain and anger and sadness I had inside of me. I think about the times I searched for happiness in the wrong people and always ended up emptier than before. I think about all of this and I realize that there is no way I could have possible picked myself up all on my own. I am weak and human and there’s nothing special about me. I knew there was someone who always picked me up and gave me the faith and hope to carry on. Every single time whether it was something big or small the homie was always there to give me strength and courage to do the things I thought were impossible. I surprise myself with the things I am able to do and I know that he deserves all the credit because I could never achieve greatness without him. Even when no one believes in me, he always does. And he tests me because he knows I can accomplish the impossible as long as he resides in me. He’s always there showing me all the blessings he has in store for me. There’s no way I would be where I am right now mentally, spiritually and physically if it wasn’t for him and it is all for him. I am complete and happy, not a lot of people can say that and really mean it. And there will always be peace in my heart because he is my peace. I know it is somewhat complicated to really understand what i am saying because you really have to feel it to understand it. This isnt about religion or beliefs, I dont do any of the extra stuff. I’m organic and genuine about my life and if i say i believe something to be true, its because every part of me tells me it is. I love the homie because i did nothing to deserve his love and he still loves me. And that is the only genuine love i know has never and will never damage me in the end. And i share that love with everyone i interact with because i know everyone has good in them. Love to everyone.
i love it when you are happy but it never lasts too long. it’s 6am and i woke up to write this. who does such a thing. i never knew i always lived in another world until i realized i was never a part of this one. i guess you could say i am not “fun” whatever that means. but i really really really like who i am and yes it is a bit on the strange side but it’s good for me. to be me. it has helped me heal internally. and that to me is so important. everyday i grow a little more and i have more questions. but everything is good. the homie is in control and it works out it the most simple yet beautiful way. healing sounds so calming and genuine because i can actually feel it. and i am in love with all of me and everything and everyone around me. unconditional love created by god transmitted through me. you don’t know how good it feels to be truly alive. the door is open, come in.
i never give enough credit to Elohim. the reason for everything is him. it is an eternal gratefulness, for he chose me as his child and saved me for eternity. his love is what keeps me alive and what lets me love in a kind and pure way. nothing really matters because it will all pass but even when my body becomes ashes, my spirit will live forever with Elohim. my father, my homie, my eveything.
“You are ready to leave, aren’t you?” i said
“You keep finding every way to push me away. no one understands you. you never tell me what you want. you never want anything. i can’t be nice, i can’t be sweet. you never smile when i send you flowers. i can’t say i miss you because you don’t believe in that. you don’t believe i love you and you don’t want me to say it. you don’t want me to call you too much or see you too often. you don’t want to give me a chance. you don’t want me to compliment you. you don’t want gifts. i don’t know what i have to do for you to want to be with me” he replied. his voice wasn’t the same anymore.
“I told you i am not a human, no one ever listens to me. i don’t want anything. I told you, everyone leaves what they can’t understand. i might not see you again but if i ever do, please smile at me, i am not as horrible as i seem to be. maybe the winter is very cold and sometimes you can’t feel your face anymore but when you look at the snow fall, you remember why you have always loved to play in the snow. snow angels do exist. i know the birds leave when the winter comes but the brave ones stay and fall in love. i don’t blame you for eagerly waiting for the summer, everybody seems to love it more. the cold is where i belong though and if you cannot stay any longer by all means go. i wont hold you any longer, we are free to choose the season we want to live in.” i said then i sat on the sidewalk and took a picture of the road in front of me. he walked towards the summer.
i wish everyone was a little bit more happier than sad, i wish we could all just be cool with each other. i wish we could all understand we are different and accept ourselves and each other for what we are. i wish we could love each other, looking past the body and feeling the spirit within us. we are all made of bones, we all feel, we all laugh and we all cry. why can’t we all just love?
I love the universe. i love what does not love me and i love what loves me. i love what hates me and i love what appreciates me. i love what does not know me and i love what thinks that knows me. i love the confused and i love the wise. i love the lost ones and i love the ones that found the light. i love whoever misunderstands me and does not accept me. i love the ones i connect my spirit and mind with. i am happy because i love nature and humanity without the need of sight. i love them with my spirit, my mind and my heart.
afraid of loving, what am i here for? a passionate being sent here to give all that it can give. I have realized that it isn’t love i fear, i happen to be capable of loving to an extent in which your arms aren’t enough to hold on to all the love that i will give. I can develop a love so strong, you will never have to question about tomorrow. I can love to the deepest depths like an ocean whose certain depths haven’t been discovered yet. I am capable of the natural love of a being who is born to give you all and ask for none. But revealing it, showing you this love, it almost feels like a part of me will expose, the most secretive part of my inner being, that is. I am still trying to understand this side of me. The side that can love with everything it was given but will never let it be known. Fear, Confusion, Commitment, i am not sure of what it is. I say i am too focused on my priorities to be loving a being like this. But i am loving anyway because this love resides inside of me. It is the universe colliding all at once. the moment we connected for the very first time, everything aligned for us to meet and realize, this is how far we have to come to live this dream. The love is already here, believe me. My deepest darkest secret is the sun hiding in the dark and solid clouds. And to hold this secret in, might be the death of me. So what am i really afraid of? if fear is just another word written by a lover on another piece of poetry.
Im a unicorn, yes, yes, i am. When i walk on the green grass and the tree calls me to share company and the air hugs me as it welcomes me home, when the stars look at me as i look at them. When i sit on the sand and i listen to the waves telling me stories of their early days and the sun tells me it will always be by my side. When the lighthouse accompanies me as i tell the night my manic thoughts. They are my home. I look up at the sky and it speaks to me, it just has a way of knowing how it feels like to really breathe. Nature, they are me and i am them. The moon, sometimes it hides because it likes to have its own time and space to be what it wants to be. They tell me stories, secrets, they share love. And i listen because i learn and i share with them my natural ways. These are my unicorn ways.
In a world of confusion and misinterpretations, words unsaid and wrong feelings expressed. Wrong doings and unintentional hurt. Pain that dwells and love that doesnt prevail, My spirit will guide my heart to you and i will see your soul and you will touch my heart, and the cliche of until the end of time will be more of time is all we got. And the limited chances of loving each other will show that we have understood that our hearts will connect and find the truth. The truth that will put us at peace within ourselves, the truth that will make us alive again. I am not waiting for a fairytale, such fantasies were never in my plan. I do not wish for you to read my mind, i wish for you to understand whats inside, my thoughts will guide you to my heart. I do not wish for you to be perfection for i will not have an adventure. To love me is to know my mind, my spirit and my heart. I do not wish to waste your time, i wish to gain the time wasted holding on to a heart who did not belong to you. I do not wish for you to put up with my foolishness, imperfections keep me alive, i wish for you to understand that. You have existed in the pre-existence, chosen to connect our spirits in this lifetime. Waiting, waiting, i will keep waiting patiently, for you already know my mind.
What is Love?? Love is not selfish… Love doesnt have a time…love doesnt take a break… Love doesnt lie n it doesnt pretend…its not weakened by distance… It doesnt just fade away in a day…its unexplicable… It can make u weak or strong… it has the power to show your true most deep feelings… it cannot be hiden… It has no barriers…it can show the real meaning of happiness or the real meaning of pain…. it doesnt always have to be reciprocal..it cannot be distracted it cannot be forgotten… Love forgives and forgets… It is always there waiting for the right time sometimes till the end of a life time… Love wishes… Love cares…love wishes the best and doesnt wait to be loved in return…love is happy if the other person is happy… love sees only the good in people…there is no real way to explain love maybe its all of those things or more… its hard to understand but you will know when its there when it penetrates the most inner cell in your body… And you cannot get away… When even doe the years have passed you heart still yells out his/her name… And your brains still brings saved memories of what used to be… And maybe you’ll be lucky enough to wake next to that person you love or maybe you’ll just have to smile as you think of that person and wish them the best and hope that someday destiny will bring you back together at the right moment and the other person will finally see you are their true love… But love doesnt always end that way… sometimes you’ll just have to sit in a chair lonely and ask yourself one question… What is the true meaning of love?
By: Giovanna Rea
The lake, i will not forget that lake. How i would stand in front of it, waiting for an answer, waiting for the universe to take me into its arms and whisper in my ear that my broken heart was only a state of mind. And i would wait for your call, for a reason of why you had left me so alone. The lake knows the sound of my tears, the lake remembers my lamentations. The lake knows my weakness, the way no one will ever know. Eventually i stopped going, i grew distant from the lake as i grew strong inside my heart. I was restored and did not live in that state of mind anymore. And i grew some wings and learned to fly; the sky took me in and welcomed me as i said goodbye to that lovely and lonely lake of mine.
Well here i am once again, writing to the beautiful beloved space, wondering if the other dimensions understand because this dimension never sees beneath my face. analyzing my life from a million different perspectives but attempting to not to be gone astray. I’m living, I’m learning, I’m loving, I’m hurting. everyday I’m learning to embrace my spirit in its purest forms. i am understanding that not everything i want will be done, certain people that i want in my life need to go and that i need to accept new things that will lead me the right way. I’m breathing, understanding my mistakes as lessons learned. striving for perfection sometimes leaves me feeling cold, i need to contemplate the feeling of imperfections without taking my mind of achieving perfection. i know i am a “hard to comprehend human” but if you understand that i am not a human then you have understood half of who i am, the other half is still trying to be understood by my own self. i know who i am but i am still trying to analyze everything inside of me. when you read a book, you don’t know the whole story until you finish it. i haven’t finished reading my book therefore i don’t know my whole story, neither do you. i might not be everything you were hoping i would be but i know the universe resides inside of me, maybe you can find a little piece of what you need, i might not please your whole spirit but i will make your time worth while by showing you some inner peace. look me in my eyes, i am not who i was before. in constant change i find myself, to find what i have been looking for. sometimes we look and we do not find because we only viewed from the outside. i see the soul of the lonely hearts, i feel the expression you hold back. i know you dream in color but you live in black and white. maybe we can sew the pieces of our hearts back together one by one. maybe you can lend me your sunglasses and i can see the shade you view your life in, maybe i can lend you my heart and show you love resides inside of me. maybe you can see i am more than what i seem to be. maybe you can let me understand the truth between the lines of the paragraphs you wrote inside your mind. cure my heart, i’ll cure your mind. one day you’ll find yourself living with a purpose, one day i’ll find my self loving with a purpose. one day we’ll live and love with our spirits, in purpose, in peace, just you and me.
i tell myself there is no way this is real and then i look at you and i cant help but believe. If the planet is nothing but evilness then this is just a nightmare, a beautiful one that is. Smile one more time for me and i fall into glory. You seem so far away but my heart travels at light-speed, it leaves my soul, it searches for your soul. My heart keeps asking where you are, it beats for you, i breathe because of you. My heart has been mistreated before and it has been afraid, oh so afraid to love again. When it found you, my heart wanted to try again, it spoke to me again when it had been in silence for so long. It saw something in you, something it hadn’t seen in so long. My mind told my heart to hush and keep silence, let it do its job. But my heart kept beating faster and faster until it silenced my wise mind. My mind keeps fighting to be heard, my heart doesn’t want be silent anymore, it wants to love you more than it loved before. It wants to make my body feel like it can fly, no weight, no worries, no time, no space, no distance. It wants to make me feel a rush, an adrenaline, i can do anything at any time. My mind is afraid of the ideas of my heart, my mind is afraid to let my heart win because my mind knows that once the feeling passes and my heart is broken, my mind will have to put the pieces of my heart back together, one by one. That is why my mind is scared to love you but my heart won’t stop.
To everyone who…
some will probably say she’s beautiful, some will say she has nice boobs and ass. jerks. when you start a conversation with me you will say okay well she’s not just a dumb girl with a pretty face and nice body. i will be straight up with you and ask the same in return. i will tell you nothing you do will bother me simply because i won’t take you seriously since i have no interest in having a serious lover. you will probably think i will change my mind overtime because you probably think highly of yourself or because all the girls fall for your bullshit OR because you feel like you have something to offer that will change my mindset towards everything. but i will tell you right now that even though you feel like you have potential to have power over my decisions or my mentality you are completely wrong, no one has control over me. i decide when and how i want something, why i want it and why i don’t. you won’t change my mind so overtime you will keep trying to do so, some will last from a week to two weeks. some will probably say well she’s a cool friend but deep inside of you the attraction will eat you inside and i will pay you no mind so you will dismiss yourself just like everyone else. others will stay, for what reason i honestly don’t know. that is always a mystery. NO, i do not consider myself the most amazing human being on earth. in fact, i know my flaws pretty well, i over analyze everything, starting from me. so yes i know why i act the way i do and how people will react to it, yet i continue to do it because i am yoselyn. you will have the freedom to walk out of my life whenever you please, i won’t hold you back or ask you to stay. to be completely honest, my plan from the beginning is for you to walk out at a certain point, so I’m always ready. some will continue to stay because they probably still have some kind of hope i will change my mind and tell them I’m ready to give in. which will never happen, until i say so and i haven’t said so nor will i say so until something inside of me urges me to do so. no i am not cold-hearted, i don’t force anyone to try to put up with me, ever. most of the time i don’t understand why guys choose to deal with all the things i do and how i act. i know what I’m doing, i know it will bother you, i don’t care if it does. i probably sound like the biggest asshole but i am not, before any of this occurs, probably in our first conversation i will tell you that i will not take you seriously and that it will never change. i am very blunt and I’m not just saying that to say it. yes, sometimes it comes off very bitchy, i am working on it. i am human, i am very smart and aware of many things that people don’t even acknowledge. my point is not to hurt anyone or waste anyones time at all. that is why i tell you what you should know about me from the very beginning. and that is the biggest test from me to you, so far no one has listened to my words from the very beginning. what i am trying to say is i have warned every guy he will be wasting his time if he wants anything serious with me yet it feels like we never had that conversation because he will continue to try. i’ve never met a guy that has actually listened to me and stopped talking to me because he understood me and payed attention, he didn’t try to see if he could change my mindset, he didn’t have game planned out in which he felt he will win me over, he wasn’t so full of himself to believe he will be the difference. he simply listened and left me alone. that will be the day i will take my time to contact this guy, that will be the day i will want to be with that guy because i knew he is listening and acknowledges my opinions, beliefs and respects my self being. i don’t like people to force things or people who think they can manipulate me into doing things whether they are good or bad. i am me, i don’t follow anyone suggestions unless i am completely sure that person is wise enough to give me advice that it will be beneficial to my spirit and mind. people don’t influence my decisions. maybe you think i am asking for too much but i know that the person who understand everything i am writing won’t find this to harsh or impossible. he will probably feel the same way. who knows. i don’t need games, yes i am only 17 (about to be 18 in two weeks) but no don’t like people who lie and play games nor do i want to spend my time with someone who will pretend to seduce me for their own satisfaction and end up deceiving me and kicking me to the curve to my own misery. nobody wants that but many are willing to live it because the adrenaline of the feeling makes them come back for more. i am not willing to relive that ever again. i always say making a mistake once should be enough for you to learn and never make the same mistake again. i am young according to the world because humans invented time, in actuality time does not exist neither does age. my mind is mature enough to reject any kind of mindful and deceiving games. you want something other than sexual activities with me, you tell me right away. you want only sexual activities with me, you tell me right away and i will tell you right away to get the fuck out of my face. you want me for my beauty, goodbye. you want to take the time to have wise and meaningful conversations with me without focusing on my outside and yes acknowledging the fact that i am attractive but not letting that be the reason why you see a potential in me for a future partner, you are welcome anytime. i am not asking for too much, i am not asking for perfection, i am not asking for looks, i am not asking for anything but honesty in your intentions with me. i will not waste your time. you sure as hell won’t waste mine. do you understand me now? i doubt it. only the blind in superficial understand truth.