because i was young and hopeless. i never really understood what loving myself was. so i searched for a fulfillment in the bodies of boys who didn’t know how to love themselves either. we were all lonely and lost. i remember. i never put all the pieces together enough to realize that i couldn’t find myself in someone else who as just as lost as i was..or even more. i said i loved him until i couldn’t breathe and all i felt were tears and fear of never being happy again. i don’t really remember how it all occurred. it’s been too long and gone now. all i know is I’m alive. i was born again about a year ago, i never knew what living was like until i was free from the circle of misery we decide to misinterpret and call “love”. there are genuine people, there are men who don’t want to take you in and destroy you. i didn’t think there were any, i didn’t believe in anything but pain. but in order to experience the happiness i now live everyday, i had to experience pain. and i did and now it is gone. then i realized happiness had been living inside of me everyday, i just shut it down because i didn’t know it was better than pain. after that i learned to see the beautiful side to everything. and that is when i met the good side of men. god just reserved it all along until i understood i didn’t need a man at all to feel complete. and once i was ready there were the good ones. it felt beautiful to know someone didn’t want to use me up and bruise me up. i know it sounds sad that i never knew good things could happen to me. but when i didn’t expect it, someone showed up without flowers and sweet talk. someone showed up with patience, understanding and most of all honesty. and to a being like me, that will always be more than enough.
the stories of a girl who is always asking questions. that would be the title of my life. i know this year i have learned to share things about me that were very intimate, like my writing. i learned that i can be an introvert when i choose to for the right reasons, for permission to my spirit to live. i have learned to let go of things and people that dont belong around me anymore. i’ve done some things i was afraid of doing. but fear is just a word, we choose to make it an action. i learned to breathe more talk less and talk more. i learned i can help heal people with the homies will. i learned why i am here and what i was sent to do here. of course it is a process of discovering the steps of how to get there. i have to still remind myself to stop when i should and to start when i have to. i have to keep living in serenity. quiet down the flesh more. process. a year ago i didnt know what to do with myself. i was only focused on some green paper that vanished with bills and food we struggled to provide as a family. i didnt prioritize, well i did but all the wrong things. i know now things will always get better, even when it is very difficult to see it, even when everyone around you tells you it is impossible. humans dont understand the quality of eternity. they do not know of elohim and his promises. i know. things will be good even when they are bad because it is all a mentality you create. i am happy, for the rest of my life. i know i will be. and i tried so hard to look for this completeness in other mortal bodies or money or the world or a father. it is just an endless circle of misery. elohim has open my mind and spirit in a forever truth. (elohim is the correct term for god as a whole, meaning god, christ and the spirt. that is the most correct name given to describe all of him. just want to make that clear.) also the word “god” in hebrew isnt capitalized as “God” because the hebrew alphabet doesn’t have capital letters. but anyway that is some facts that are important to me. life is good is really all i am trying to say. and it had nothing to do with the world including me.
a silent song of tears that wont cry, melodies of a heart that wont die, music notes of a story that was never told. vibrations to the spirit that transformed the mind. it’s my life she said. sometimes she sits on the bathtub and cries, sometimes she sits on the balcony and smiles. i look at her and wonder why she is a virgin to the beauty of the pleasure. she doesn’t want to be remembered or thought of in any kind of way. she believes everyone is good but their background altered their spirits and now they cry while they hide and they wait to be found. she is naked to the world but the world tries to cover her up, in layers of words she doesn’t recognize. she looks back at me and tells me not to run, they will find me. she tells me to show her my world. she doesn’t care where i came from or why i am here. she knows the universe wanted us together. she tells me not fear, she says they will leave me because they cant understand me. she tells me not to worry, they will look for the idea of me thinking they can find it in me but the idea of me doesn’t exist. she tells me not everyone is meant to listen and understand but she tells me to always speak what resides inside of me. i look at her and wonder how she learned to live like this. she tells me to love and to learn from it all. i ask her why they wont listen, why they look at me and desire me, i ask her why they pressure me to be good to them, i ask her why they give me limitations and condemnations, why they wont allow me to share what i feel without using it against me. i ask her why they want me to listen but never speak and why i cant find my heart. and when i reach to touch her, her hand meets mine and i feel the thick reflection in my bones. “here’s your heart” she tells me “use it. fear is just another word used to excuse the confrontation of your own brain”
so what if i live in a place called the moon, the sun still holds me tight.
the extremes are what makes my life more adventurous and also more alone, no one follows the crazy girl, no one even walks her home.
“You are ready to leave, aren’t you?” i said
“You keep finding every way to push me away. no one understands you. you never tell me what you want. you never want anything. i can’t be nice, i can’t be sweet. you never smile when i send you flowers. i can’t say i miss you because you don’t believe in that. you don’t believe i love you and you don’t want me to say it. you don’t want me to call you too much or see you too often. you don’t want to give me a chance. you don’t want me to compliment you. you don’t want gifts. i don’t know what i have to do for you to want to be with me” he replied. his voice wasn’t the same anymore.
“I told you i am not a human, no one ever listens to me. i don’t want anything. I told you, everyone leaves what they can’t understand. i might not see you again but if i ever do, please smile at me, i am not as horrible as i seem to be. maybe the winter is very cold and sometimes you can’t feel your face anymore but when you look at the snow fall, you remember why you have always loved to play in the snow. snow angels do exist. i know the birds leave when the winter comes but the brave ones stay and fall in love. i don’t blame you for eagerly waiting for the summer, everybody seems to love it more. the cold is where i belong though and if you cannot stay any longer by all means go. i wont hold you any longer, we are free to choose the season we want to live in.” i said then i sat on the sidewalk and took a picture of the road in front of me. he walked towards the summer.
Winter won’t last forever, that is what you told me beautiful sunshine. You have awaken my cold heart. You have entered through sounds and soften my heart. I didn’t know that a winter could ever transform into spring but these flowers are growing out of my naked trees. Sun you are giving this winter some warmth, you are showing me that not everything is meant to be snow. The flowers will bloom and the birds will sing, the grass will show its lovely green. You told me i love to be cold and grey but you have surprised me with colorful rain. This winter is learning to just be a season, i don’t want to be cold for no reason. Sun will you stay even when i am not awake? Will i see a sunrise every single day? You promised me you will never leave, you said you have always been here but my cold heart wouldn’t allow me to see. Sun, i know that the clouds and the moon will hide you away but i will stay up and wait for your sunrise to lighten my day. A million summer days i will spend with you and even when i turn into winter you will still be there too. I know i have to understand nothing lasts forever but you will always be the light to my heart in winter and summer, we will be together.
You asked me with a sudden hesitation “Why are you so happy to be so alone? Don’t you want someone to love you like any normal human does?”
I smiled and replied “There is nothing normal about me. I am happy because the sun loves me, whether i can see it or not, whether it shines or not, whether the clouds and the moon hide it from me, whether it gives warmth and light to everyone else but me. The sun is always there and I am constantly revolving around it. if there is any valid reason of my existence, it is the sun. what other love could I ever desire? I have it all, if I have the sun. light, warmth, freedom. I told you there is nothing normal about me and I am beginning to think there is nothing human about me either. Who cares, either way, the sun loves me.”
I love the universe. i love what does not love me and i love what loves me. i love what hates me and i love what appreciates me. i love what does not know me and i love what thinks that knows me. i love the confused and i love the wise. i love the lost ones and i love the ones that found the light. i love whoever misunderstands me and does not accept me. i love the ones i connect my spirit and mind with. i am happy because i love nature and humanity without the need of sight. i love them with my spirit, my mind and my heart.
i cant believe today i thought i accidentally deleted all of my photos on my phone. I wanted to cry, when i saw they were all backed up i was so happy i didnt know what to do with myself. this is not a pointless story. one thing i learned, my love for photographs, i have over 3,000 photos i keep trying to get rid of the ones “i dont like” but i love everyone of them. second thing i realized, i didnt know how it felt like to have something so meaningful and crucial to your life disappear in an instant. i have felt people come and go, i knew they wouldnt stick around forever, they cant understand me anyway. but today i felt it, photography loves me and i love photography, we are one. i’ve never felt that before, no one has ever been in me as much as i have tried to be in them. the feeling when you cant sleep at night because you’re trying to figure out new ways to love someone who never loved you. i dont know about much but i know i love the nature of every photograph i take. what is inside of me, i find it somewhere in the universe so i capture it to keep a collection of my understating of me. i write a lot, i know so little. i love humanity yet i dont consider myself a human. what an illusion we live in.
It is 3:33AM and i am sitting at the dinner table eating a swiss roll and enjoying my thoughts and hoping it will help this headache go away. I keep asking myself so many questions. Why are people so sad? Why cant we say what we want? Why are we afraid to express what we feel? Why do we let another human being control our happiness to the point in where you lose all value for yourself? Why do we hurt ourselves so much? We always have choices, to cry or not to cry. To let things people say affect you or to laugh at it. Why dont we just live everyday, smile at every stranger, laugh at every joke. Live life with a passion, being in love with everything you do and everyone you meet. Only then you will be free, careless and you will have the choice over everything that happens in your life. Whether you claim to use logic over emotions, you cant fool yourself. Love is love and life is life. Why not love everyone and everything, it takes so much more energy to hate them. Darling, you wont live forever. Why do we have the tendency to live like we will be here forever. We are birds flying through this dream, just make the trip worthwhile. Sure, cry when you have to cry, scream when you have to scream, be angry when you have to be angry but always love because love will not permit your heart to hold any of those negative feelings. Dont expect anything in return, no one is here to please you. Give all that you are and love with all that you have got. We are humans and we fall but we must learn to get back up. Live with a purpose, something greater and perfect watches over you day and night. Dare to live awake. Leave the past where it belongs, it doesnt need you anymore. Most importantly you dont need it, you’ve got today. Just a couple of words from a girl who is learning to love everything about life. There is beauty in everything, open your eyes, maybe you’ll have less falls.
at only 18 years of age what have i ought to know? Isnt that what everyone asks. The old think everything that comes out of my mouth is garbage, immature and stupid. The young thinks everything that comes out of my mouth is strange, weird and crazy. Everybody wants to know, what does an 18 year old know? Well i have lived for 18 years, i dont know anything but neither do you. What have i learned? I’ve learned that a broken heart was never broken, it was a state of mind. I’ve learned that humans think they love too much when they dont love at all. I’ve learned we want to blame everything on everyone but ourselves. I’ve learned love is pure and gentle, I’ve learned not many people know how to love that way. I’ve learned mortals are often finding ways to stay alive, they haven’t realized our grand finales are inevitable and we all must leave all of this behind. I’ve learned the sun always shines even when the clouds and the dark try to hide it. I’ve learned that the ocean heals your worries and allows me to express my mermaid side. I’ve learned that children are innocent and honest, i’ve learned that i am a child. I’ve learned that time is an illusion but it helps us keep track of our lives. I’ve learned that the past is a collection of memories we must always leave behind. I’ve learned that the future is full of hope but we need to live the moment and let the future have its own time. I’ve learned that sleeping is timing myself out of the world yet i always want to stay awake at night. I’ve learned that people think they can tell who you are by just looking at you yet they dont know who they are because they never look at themselves. I’ve learned that books give me knowledge but i must apply them to see a difference in my spirit. I’ve learned that Elohim is in control of everything, so i dont worry about much, i just live. I’ve learned that humans are beautiful and most of them dont know it yet. I’ve learned that this world is sad and all the standards and the knowledge and wisdom the older generation talks about hasnt made a difference in the younger lives. I’ve learned that the younger generation has been taken over by the wrong ideas and nobody asks questions. I’ve learned that there is a purpose for me to fulfill. I have learned that humans will never accept me and that it is okay as long as i accept myself. I have learned that loving yourself is the best kind of love you can receive. I have learned that i dont know much of anything but i have learned that i am only 18. I have learned that i have no limitation regardless of what people try to tell me. I have learned that when you free your mind, you will be free of everything. I have learned that i will keep asking questions and looking for answers and i will not take my limited time for granted. I am learning that i am young in your eyes but age was invented by mortals who already died. I have learned that you havent listened to anything i said and that is why you will continue to give me definitions and labels of who you think i am. I am learning that none of it matters and i am free from you. I am learning. Now tell me, are you?
Today i cried, yes for the first time in a very long time. I had forgotten how it feels for your eyes to swell up after the teardrops run down your cheeks. I’ve always felt like tears are a part of the ocean, salty little waters that burn your face after a little bit then they calm every bone inside of you. But the point is i cried, not just a little cry. I felt my chest couldn’t function right, i couldn’t breathe right, it was a cry that was felt from my heart. I think, my heart, if i have one, that is. I think i have convinced myself i am anything but a human, mortal, person thing. I have convinced myself to be practical and logical because i once was too hopeless and sweet. I once believed in tales and people. One by one they all proved me wrong, until i was left with one conclusion and solution. As i repeated to myself “dont you ever trust anyone ever again. Dont you ever dare to love anyone ever again” What wonders have i done to myself. Very logical. I know what people think about me, “Perfect” i know they repeat it to me everyday, i am so sick of hearing it. Stupid high expectations dammit. Im just yoselyn. No one ever sees that. “you’re too philosophical” “you’re too smart” “you are too rude, cruel, honest, mean, bitchy, cold, real, beautiful, pretty, perfect, perfect, perfect” NO! I am Yoselyn, dammit. Just yoselyn. I cried today and i smiled because it felt so real, i am not a stone. This isnt just writing, this is my life in writing, my flawed, imperfect, human life. But humans never listen, do they? That is why i am still a unicorn. I end this piece of writing with a smile on my face because only i know my mysterious confusing ways and the story behind them.
afraid of loving, what am i here for? a passionate being sent here to give all that it can give. I have realized that it isn’t love i fear, i happen to be capable of loving to an extent in which your arms aren’t enough to hold on to all the love that i will give. I can develop a love so strong, you will never have to question about tomorrow. I can love to the deepest depths like an ocean whose certain depths haven’t been discovered yet. I am capable of the natural love of a being who is born to give you all and ask for none. But revealing it, showing you this love, it almost feels like a part of me will expose, the most secretive part of my inner being, that is. I am still trying to understand this side of me. The side that can love with everything it was given but will never let it be known. Fear, Confusion, Commitment, i am not sure of what it is. I say i am too focused on my priorities to be loving a being like this. But i am loving anyway because this love resides inside of me. It is the universe colliding all at once. the moment we connected for the very first time, everything aligned for us to meet and realize, this is how far we have to come to live this dream. The love is already here, believe me. My deepest darkest secret is the sun hiding in the dark and solid clouds. And to hold this secret in, might be the death of me. So what am i really afraid of? if fear is just another word written by a lover on another piece of poetry.
Im a unicorn, yes, yes, i am. When i walk on the green grass and the tree calls me to share company and the air hugs me as it welcomes me home, when the stars look at me as i look at them. When i sit on the sand and i listen to the waves telling me stories of their early days and the sun tells me it will always be by my side. When the lighthouse accompanies me as i tell the night my manic thoughts. They are my home. I look up at the sky and it speaks to me, it just has a way of knowing how it feels like to really breathe. Nature, they are me and i am them. The moon, sometimes it hides because it likes to have its own time and space to be what it wants to be. They tell me stories, secrets, they share love. And i listen because i learn and i share with them my natural ways. These are my unicorn ways.
summer breeze, im at ease. you come back for more but im at peace, you dont know why you’re here, you think its your heart. you dont know who you are, you think you’ll find yourself in me. but i cant show you what you need to feel if you dont know what it is you miss. confusion’s got you hurting, that’s all. you see life as a game because you dont want to live reality, you want to win but when you play you lose. you win more confusion, you lose life. you wont find yourself in me, you find yourself in you. twisted heart at the end of that song you play that reminds you of the start of our romance that never had an end because it never existed. your ideas, they tell you it did but when you search for memories you always lose yourself in daydreams; you’re dreaming in broad daylight, cant you see? you ask your heart what does it want but you dont even know how you got to where you are. you dream of the pretty past because you detest your present, how can you hate it? when was the last time you lived it? cant give yourself a chance to wake up today so you wake in yesterdays nightmares, bittersweet compassion you feel for yourself because you dont understand why you live how you live. i know i told you, i know i had to tell you i wouldnt stick around for too long, i had to leave you to your own because you never seem to be pleased, you wanted everything, you got it but now you realize you never even knew what that really means. does it feel right tell me, does it feel right? when your lover begs you to stay but you rather be somewhere else, the problem is you don’t even know where that place exists. you wanted everything but everything is always nothing in the end. you dont love, listen to me, listen, you havent lived, there is no way you can love. i permitted you to come back every time because i was waiting for the day you’d learn to grow. but if you dont live then how do you breathe? how will you love? how will you grow? moment of clarity, remind yourself you are alone but understand there is nothing wrong with that. stop searching everywhere around the world to find your soul, sit back and remember when you knew your existence had a meaning to your life. wake up and hear the birds singing like they should. wake up and remember that the smoke never gave you life, it kept you trapped in a temporary paradise. wake up and look for you, inside of you. dont search for me, you cant find your answers here, not if you intend to hurt the people who want to see you accept yourself. why are you here listening to me? if i would have been the answer to your problems you would’ve stuck to me. the way i see you is too far behind me, i wave goodbye because you didnt want to come along. i dont know who you are, neither do you. accept that i do not love you..i never did, i loved the idea of that little boy i met that day who used to remember every detail of my embrace, i dont love you or your smoke, i loved the idea of the little boy who listened to my broken soul. i loved the idea of that boy who dreamed of hooping and rapping, who cared about an F on a test and running the track everyday. you, today, i dont know you, i dont love you. you today, you dont know me, you never loved me. we were kids, i know you know this but understand it, i didnt know who i was back then, but this is who i am today and it is not the person you created in your mind. the past, i just dont live there anymore, this moment that is all i know for sure. so please continue your journey without the idea of me. my happiness i have found, it doesnt depend on anyone on this earth, it doesn’t depend on your memory. i am living free and awake. you dont control who i am today. that is your problem, you were so busy trying to control lives of girls that you forgot to control your own. there is no business for you here, i am in control of me. accept the end is the end and let it go. live today and dont think about yesterday. peace to you from my spirit, i forgive all of your good and bad intentions, i forgive your broken soul, i forgive you. you will always be remembered as a good memory to the process of my growth, if that eases you or not, i just want you to know. you cant keep dreaming the life you think you’re living and you know this. live, just live.